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Music saves our souls | ||||||||
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If you let me I could, I'd show you how to build your fences
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Saturday, September 12, 2009, 11:54 PM
darn.
is it out of season or something?? can someone tell me what's happening?! i have made up my mind about leaving. should be end-dec, after i get my bonus, if there's no bonus by dec, i think i will throw in the letter. haven told anyone at work except fang and fatherahpasam. so hope they wun leak it out. T.T it has been quite shocking for a couple of my frens when they knew tat i wanna quit. to them, it seems that i cud get stuck in that place for another 2 years, before i move on. -.- well, me too, actually. if the job is paying me reasonably well, and we are coupled with more abled and more experienced staff to help me out, and someone could control her temper and stop yelling as and when she likes it, well, maybe i could stay for a few more yrs/months? who knows. above all, i've looked pass the glam, the shit, the truth. and the truth is, even an o level grad can do this job, so why should i waste my time there? actually i would like to give myself more time there. but time and tide waits for no man. im no longer a fresh grad seeking out jobs for experience. i AM experienced already, so don't wanna waste my life and rot in there like some LUMP of a manager. so ya, i do not want to look back several years later (when im 27-ish) and look back and exclaim: 'oh my! i've given my life and my soul to the company! now what have i gain? XXX celebrity knows me?! what else? i know how to do purchase orders and book makeup and hair for my artistes?!' and a worthless company it is, who doesn't give their staff the right appreciation. by the way, increment or promotion IS a way of expressing appreciation, in case some sales ppl turned higher mgt and have yet to grasp the principles of mgt and do not know how to 'take responsibility' or help secure an employee's future. they are losing a lot of good men, but they do not realise, since the company is always about saving up, cutting costs, and what not. and i had it, being close to artistes and all, which is what i wanted, and cannot give up initially. but i want a simple life now, one without having to think for the artistes and putting up with weird requests and stomaching insults lashed out intentionally or not. i do not have to please anyone but my God, not even my current boss. i had it. i certainly can live without getting close to artistes, it's really not as glam as it seems. sometimes i even wish the artistes would not recognise me, or try to get friendly with me, cos it will only make them look more fake and the more i wud think that they are only being friendly cos it's part of the job, and if they had a choice, they'd rather have a simple life, and dun have to bother about their image too. though my dream before i leave is to bring a kpop band down and make them big locally, but this dream has slowly diminished. cos i wouldn't be prepared to see certain things taking place and disappointment setting in after really knowing those kpop artistes and what they do offstage. and so is my passion for music, it has also diminished. nothing is about music anymore, everything is about sales, sales, sales, sales, and money. doesn't mean if a singer is good, means that the sales are guaranteed. having money and lots of money can 'rig' results. yes, im saddened by this fact. i mean, pure music has been 'defiled' and true enough, it's show BUSINESS afterall, so call me naive. the only way to jump out of all these delusionment is through leaving, i believe. of course i could tell myself, that's the way of life and i should continue and not act like a baby. but what if years later u look back and realised in ur cause for loving music, u've done nothing but planted more lies and lies and lies into the hearts of consumers, and ur living off these lies. even with a higher pay, i could stay longer, but i could not allow myself to live my life off telling lies. sounds like im a damn big righteous machine, eh? i guess, when u've made a decison, and u want to see through that decision, u began to take a step back to weigh the pros and cons. so u could say that im half-convincing myself why i should leave my job in the meantime. well, since all the glam, glitz, galore, smoke and fog has dissipated and all that i can see in my path that's left are emptiness, unhappiness, im no longer happy, and i think it's only right that i should move on. i thought God wants me to make an impact in the media world. i tot i cud be influential, preaching the good news and seeing artistes coming to know the Lord. maybe that was His purpose, but i humble myself and admit that i haven been doing a good job at that. i went back to my swearing, cursing and lying days just to see days get by, events get by, i don't even know why im doing what im doing. i guess im burnt out. i need a break. now that God has shown me what He has intended, it's time for God to show me the path back to His will and His purpose. omg. let me mention, it's damn paiseh initially to even think of quitting so soon. look, i stepped down from youth ministry because of this job. i wudn't want ppl to laugh at me and say 'i thought this was ur DREAM job?! why are u giving up so fast? can't believe you gave up God's ministry just for this job. maybe u heard God wrongly. He nvr intended this job for you. u've missed it, girl. now u gotta make a detour. and pls, listen properly to God from now on, not ur own worldly dreams and ambitions.' woot. come what may. so what if i heard wrongly from God? but i still believe, through all this hoo-ha about my dream job, God has been teaching me about some things. His purpose. honoring Him at work. His promise. His moulding and shaping. the trials that i have to go thru, with Him with me (if i had sought Him when i meet with a problem). how liao2 dao3 i can be when i do not walk in His will. of course it would be great to prove that i cud get into all this saving souls work for Christ at work. that cud shut some ppl up, ppl who thinks that media is evil and temptation is always around. ya, today i admit, i can't. it's not evil, but i guess i saw my selfish side a lot in this job, it's scary. i wanna be plain and simple today. i dunno if i became influential in some ways or another, but today i just wanna say. yes, maybe i've missed it. maybe i tot i heard God calling me into this job, but it could be my worldly side beckoning to me, the artistes beckoning to me to go into this job. i am ready to face any judgement from anyone, be it ppl in church or ppl outside. another part of me feels that maybe i had heard God wrongly, but im sure He would want me to be in this job so that He could teach me more than i could imagine: getting along with people. praying for favor with ppl wherever i go. learning to admit my mistakes. learning to apologize. learning to seek Him at work. learning to control my tongue at work. above all, part of my decision derives from the fact that i cannot neglect doing God's work anymore. not trying to be noble or what, but my life belongs to Him. if He wants to use my hands and my time to be availed to Him to do His work, i am willing. i was once unwilling, but today, im willing. yep, may seem that i've missed the point, but i still want God to speak to me, and place me in a strategic place at a strategic time, just like how Queen Esther saved her ppl for such a time as this. missing it once doesn't mean the end of the world, it's just the beginning, to set things right again. i dunno what the future entails, really. but all i want is to build His kingdom, for i do not work for my own kingdom. help me to sow into eternity, God. help me to sow my legacy into eternity, today, God. make my life count for You. perhaps these are some of the modules i need to go through. perhaps this is my training ground. and today, i have been trained. |
thedeceptionist
Vanity isn't a sin, a little narcissm wouldn't hurt.24.working.talkative.illogical at times.music all her life.sing.dance.act.host. raspberry latte.iced caramel macchiato.krispy kremes loser.pasta.salmon sashimi.kimchi loves & hates
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